I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
