in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
