Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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