if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
