A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
