she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
