I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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