Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
