you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
