if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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