What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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