i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
