You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well I just put wine in my tea
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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