In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
