He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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