I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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