paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize