I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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