I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
