look no pants
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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