you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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