My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Swine flu is the new snow day.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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