I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
