Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
