I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
