No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We're too hungover to prance.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
