just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
