I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
