That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dicks are not precious.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
