I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
