You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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