Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
