I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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