when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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