Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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