i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
