I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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