I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
