I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
