Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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