Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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