My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
