I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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