My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
two words: eviction party
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
