My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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