Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
