It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
