Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
