I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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