I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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