remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Pants are for mortals
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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