We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
