My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
