she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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