Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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