And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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