Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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