No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
